Studying Romance
Something I feel I have struggled with in my past is understanding how romantic relationships are supposed to be, I had an idea as a teenager but through various traumatic experiences I started to doubt myself. I began to believe that my ideas must all have been fantastical fairytales that don't truly exist. Now that I am older in my late 20s I am revisiting my beliefs on romance and conducting what I call a romance study.
Naturally I don't want to experience a romance that fizzles out, I want to gain as much knowledge as I can on healthy relationships that last a lifetime so in my research I will be looking for all the key componants to an emotionally fullfilling romantic healthy life time lasting relationship.
The first thing I have found myself coming across is touch, couples cuddling and the way in which they express their love for each other in this way. I can imagine the feelings of this type of touch, I am very good at imaging all my senses and it is very easy to feel the physicality of being held by someone in my imagination. What I am realising is that I slowly began to believe that my want and desire for this type of physical intimacy was too much. I began to believe that I was asking too much to ask for this type of physical affection, in seeing the 100s of couples show casing small clips of their affection in this way particularly the men and their reactions (positive) I am starting to recognise that I was made to believe incorrectly about my desire for touch and physical intimacy in this way.
Because of the nature of my past experiences I was shown that this intimacy was only acceptable if i gave sexual favours in return, like a payment, and without that payment I would be left to be alone. This is how I came to subconsciously believe that men only want me for their own sexual desires and nothing more. Along with rejection of physical intimacy I was subjected to silent treatment broken promises a lack of quality time. What I can gather are these were my love languages I prioritised receiving that I was rejected and made to believe was wrong of me to ask in the first place.
It is very important to me that I do not face those past beliefs with fear, but instead with understanding of how I came to believe that way, and acknowledging that I am now coming to believe in a new way and that it is safe for me to do so.
Often changing deeply rooted beliefs can be scarey and uncomfortable, the subconscious mind will often resist to begin with. That is why it is very important that you do not try to rush yourself in to new things but to accept you need for whatever pace you take to learn the new ideas and concepts.
For healthy romance that lasts is physical intimacy and touch with out sexual nature. This type of physical intimacy is the most relaxed and peaceful as many fall asleep and wake up this way or watch something together. It is being in each others physical space in a state of total safety.
1.
The first key component for a relationship it seems is love language. Giving and receiving love in each others love language.
Following the theme of things I wanted but thought I was asking for too much would take me into the realms of respect and consent. In the opposite direction of physical touch we have the right to opt out of physical touch, whether that is either partner not wanting hugs or kisses in a particular moment to either partner not wanting to take part in sexual activities. In a loving healthy romantic relationship all people have the respect to give or with hold consent for any form of physical touch.
Due to my past experiences I believed that I was asking too much to want to be cuddled to sleep and other forms of physical non sexual intimacy as well as believing men only cared for sexual gratification, not even sexual intimacy. Now I want to conduct the research of romance where there is a balance of non sexual and sexual physical intimacy with no physical intimacy in relationships with both people.
2.
Another key component for romantic relationships to last is shared respect and consent. For men to respect their partners choice to not engage in sexual activities as well as a woman's respect to their partners choice to not engage in non sexual physical touch, whilst both parties respect each others needs and wants for sexual and non sexual physical intimacy and finding the right shared balance between them.
Whilst I never experienced this type of respect in my longest relationships, something that I did experience that I am aware I lacked in my shorter more respectful relationships was laughter and openness. Laughter is something I slowly lost during the trauma of my longer relationships which is why I lacked it in my shorter relationships. Though I would have had much more loving experiences had i lasted in the shorter relationships I understand I needed to undergo some serious healing, to not even be able to laugh shows the true damage I had received.
Something not often spoken about with the topic of romance are the rather disgusting aspects of human bodily functions, however it is an important factor for any lasting relationship to be comfortable in all of your humanness, including bodily functions that are often shamed as disgusting.
How many of us humans hold in our gas around people we are not so comfortable with? Pretty much all of us, understandably it can be really smelly and that is shamed. How relieving is it when you are in a relationship and you finally feel comfortable enough to just let it out? Even have a giggle and make jokes about it? No more bellyaches or rushing to the bathroom just to let one out!
Moving away from the smelly topics, humour in general is a big part of relationships, having a silly goofy childish side with each other to me seems important. It is sharing happiness with each other.
3.
Childish humour is a strong key component to any romantic relationship, not everything has to be sweet sensitive and full of roses, making silly faces or laughing at each others human smells having silly dance offs and just really opening your most childish selves out in front of each other.
As I write more about these key components I am envisioning them as if the are the four pillars on which you build a foundation, so I am going to say something that may seem controversial as the last fourth pillar to a lasting romantic relationship. If there is one thing I have learned about the relationship I have built with myself over the past year it is that you do not try to eliminate negative experiences, you learn how to be with them. So with that in mind, how to fight with your partner must come as the last key comopnant.
4.
Fights! You can not expect to never have a disagreement with someone you are expecting to grow and live with for a life time, it is an impossible expectation on yourself as much as your partner to be perfect all the time, to never make mistakes to never get upset or angry with each other. It is important to know how to handle yourselves and each other when it happens rather than trying to make sure it never does happen.
Take out love language and you or your partner will feel unwanted and unloved in not receiving the type of romantic love that they prioritise or that their love they show is unwanted and rejected.
Take out knowing how to fight and you get either stuck in a loop of repeating the same arguments with no resolution or two people slowly building up resentment for things they refuse to bring up or talk about still with no resolution.
Whatever way you look at this system of love, you need all four pillars to build a lasting relationship on.
The next question I would have is how do you ensure that you can create the best foundation of a relationship now you understand these four ingredients? In my opinion as you can not ensure what other people do only what you yourself can do, it stands to reason that creating this loving relationship with yourself as best you can would be the first step to take.
To learn your love language and how to give yourself love, to learn about your boundaries and respecting yourself and always advocating for yourself and consent, to open up your childish centre and learn to laugh and be silly and goofy in your own natural way and lastly how to argue respectfully.
If one learns these things for oneself then it would become easier to transfer these skills with another person including a romantic relationship.
-Tiny diny
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